This Could Happen To You (Insert Your Name Here)!

So (Insert Your Name Here), YOU are in big trouble! You probably don't remember this, but I do. You see, about forty years ago you sexually assaulted me! Now don't ask me the exact date, because it was a long time ago and I simply can't remember. But you and I attended (Insert Your High School Name Here) together, and it happened at a party. Of course, it was a long time ago so I don't remember who was hosting the party, but it was obviously somebody we both knew. Probably. Anyway, what I do remember is that (Insert A Mutual Acquaintance Name Here) was there and saw what you did to me. Frankly, I don't care if (Insert A Mutual Acquaintance Name Here) denies it. I remember it, and that's all that matters. Well, that and the fact that I have finally mustered up the courage to ruin your life.

Yes, I realize that I've had forty some odd years to bring this up before and never did until now. No, I never reported you to the local Police back then, but I'm willing to allow them to investigate now. Of course, the trail may be a bit cold at this point seeing as how I can't remember the date of the assault or the address of the assault. Well, that and the fact that you never actually were successful in getting my clothes off, so there is no "DNA" to test. But none of that matters (Insert Your Name Here)! I know you are guilty, and that is "my truth".

Because of what you did (Insert Your Name Here) , you don't deserve that (Insert Your New Job/Promotion/Career Here). Yes, I have watched you progress through your life in silence all these many years. No, I never once tried to stop your advancement or achievement before. But now the stakes are simply too high. You see (Insert Your Name Here), your (Insert Your New Job/Promotion/Career Here) conflicts with my personal beliefs. My "truth" if you will. And after all, I'm all that really matters to me. So you see? I simply had to come forward now. To be honest with you (Insert Your Name Here), I've already considered the fact that most of what I am now saying cannot be independently verified. Fortunately for me, in this day and age of Social Media and "Fake News", I know that there will be millions of people who share my personal beliefs about you. They, like me, don't really care what happened forty years ago, so long as you are prevented from obtaining that (Insert Your New Job/Promotion/Career Here).

Nowadays, the only "truth" that matters is the one that I and people like me share. We simply want what is best for us and people like us. You (Insert Your Name Here) are not one of us. You don't look like us, act like us, think like us, and most importantly, vote like us. Honestly, it's as if you are opposite of us in most every way! In fact, my friends and I have come to the conclusion (Insert Your Name Here) that you are actually against us. That pretty much makes you the enemy. And you know what they say (Insert Your Name Here), "All is fair in love and war!". No pun intended, of course. But make no mistake (Insert Your Name Here), this is war. You are the enemy, and you absolutely must be prevented from getting that (Insert Your New Job/Promotion/Career Here). No matter the cost. My friends and I will sacrifice everything for what we believe. For our truth. We will give up our dignity. We will have no shame. We will do or say whatever we must to achieve our goals and insure our success. And if it means that I remember you sexually assaulted me forty years ago, so be it. Sexual Assault is horrible and you are horrible, so of course you must be guilty.

Now, I want you to know (Insert Your Name Here) that I am willing to forgive and forget if we can come to a mutually beneficial understanding. I'm sure you want this whole disgusting matter to simply go away, and I can make that happen for you. As I'm sure you are aware, the general public has a very short attention span. Most folks don't care as much as you or I do about such things. So here is what I am willing to do (Insert Your Name Here). If you would simply give up on that (Insert Your New Job/Promotion/Career Here) and go away quietly, then I will agree to do the same. We will both just fade away, and in a few short days or weeks nobody will remember either one of us. Then we can all be happy again. What do you say (Insert Your Name Here), do we have a deal? I sure hope so. For your sake mostly, as I'm starting to remember that you did a lot more than just the one assault on me back in High School.  A whole lot more.  

Where Did They Go?

Hello Y'all! Sorry I haven't written in a while, but I've been busy doing nothing at all. Anyway, I got to thinking about Conspiracy Theories today. The latest one floating around the Interwebs is the "Qanon" deal. Have no fear, I'm not going down that particular Rabbit Hole today. You can Google that stuff all damn day long and still come back with - "OK, WHAT?!?!?". No, I'm talking about OLD Conspiracy Theories. The ones that you used to see a while back but nobody talks about anymore. Where did they go? Where do old Conspiracy Theories go to die? Or, is it like MacArthur famously said - "Old Conspiracy Theories never die, they just fade away." OK, he didn't really say that. But anyway, let's get to it and see if you, like me, remember any of these gems.

THE BLACK HELICOPTERS. Remember this one? This was big back in the late 1980's and early 1990's. Yeah, the story goes that if you saw a U.F.O. or "Flying Saucer" and told anybody about it, the "Mysterious Black Helicopters" would begin following you around. Kinda reminds me of that scene in Goodfellas, only without the cool music. Good times, good times. Anyway, apparently the Black Helicopters no longer do this. Where did they go? I mean, these days you can report a U.F.O. all day long and nobody so much as bats an eye. In fact, you can release footage from actual U.S. Military Pilots shot from the cockpit, and the public says - *Yawn* Nothing to see here folks. Move along. But most importantly, no helicopters, Black or otherwise. That theory is gone like Tuesday in the wind. Moving right along ->

CHEMTRAILS. Remember this one? This lasted a bit longer than the helicopters. In fact, you can still find folks today who are trying to keep it alive. But mostly, it too is missing from our collective consciousness. Now if you aren't familiar, the theory goes that the U.S. Military (or Somebody) is flying aircraft in the sky that spread chemicals in the form of contrails. Hence the name - Chem plus Contrail equals Chemtrail. And these chemicals are supposedly really bad. Depending upon who is revealing the theory, the Chemtrails are either meant to seed clouds to control the weather, or they are psycho-active agents that are designed to poison the minds of the masses to make us all compliant for the New World Order. Fun stuff huh? Anyway, planes are still flying and still leaving white streaks in the skies, but the Conspiracy Theories about them are gone. Where did they go?

Oh well, there are many more I'm sure, but my hands hurt from typing. If you've got any fun theories to share, hit me up on twitter. Otherwise, keep your eyes on the skies and I'll see you tomorrow!

This Piece Ain't Mine!

Hey Y'all,

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. I've been going through some serious issues which I will not bore you with here. Suffice to say, however, that I thought it high time I did a little updating. So, without further adieu (as they say), I ran across this old screed which became rather viral back in 2013. It was erroneously attributed to Jeff Foxworthy when it first surfaced due to it's similarity to the whole "You might be a Redneck" style in which it is written.

Although I would assume Mr. Foxworthy probably agrees with most everything this piece states, he is, in fact, NOT the author of it. Apparently the original posting was done by a man named Fritz Edmunds, and it first appeared on his own blog  "Politcally True".  According to Mr. Edmunds, some of the content of the piece is actually his own, and the rest was reprinted from sources who were either anonymous or did not provide any copyright notice. Regardless. none of the following was created by me, so don't sue the messenger OK?  Anyway, check this out and see if it doesn't hold true even today!

A Country Founded by Geniuses but Run by Idiots Attributed to Jeff Foxworthy: If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is "cute," but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to provide incentives for not working, by granting 99 weeks of unemployment checks, without any requirement to prove that gainful employment was diligently sought, but couldn’t be found — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more "safe" according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. What a country! How about we give God a reason to continue blessing America!

So there it is! Now I might be alone in thinking the above is all true, but I doubt it. In fact, I'm quite sure The Founding Fathers would be absolutely appalled at how their little "experiment" has turned out thus far. Oh well, if there is one thing we can all agree on, it's that the current state of affairs in our Nation is Absurdity. And, of course, that's the reason you stopped by ain't it? Oh well, thanks again and I'll see ya next time!

Fake News...I mean, Fake Commercials!

So, as an avid reader of online news, I'm always tempted to click on the cheesy outside links that usually reside (as an ad) within the body of the articles I peruse. They always have some kind of appealing, yet trashy angle to them like "The Secret Andy Griffith Hid From Everyone!" or "The Three Foods your Doctor Warns Will Kill You!". Of course, I know they are just spam and "click bait", but still, sometimes it's fun to be diverted from reality ya know? 

But lately, the "Fake News" syndrome has taken on a new form, and now the bait-and-switch articles don't even pretend to be news, they pose as news and then they link to a fake article under a fake banner just to sell some manner of snake oil! Case in point the photo above. It reads "K. James Punches a Fan" and has a banner that reads "Breaking News". OK. I'll bite. So, some fool told Kevin James that Paul Blart the Mall Cop was a crap movie and the K-Man went postal and knocked the dude out right? NOPE! 

When you click the link, it takes you a completely bogus website called "craftyproduction.com (clever name huh?) which purports to actually be Fox News (seriously!) which then goes on to explain that Kevin James has "E.D." and has tried all of the available prescriptions to no avail until he tried (and I kid you not) "ALPHA HARD RELOAD". Now I don't know about you, but I just can't picture Kevin James being so "hard up" for cash that he would EVER do an "E.D." commercial, much less one for a product with an absurd name like "ALPHA HARD RELOAD" which appears on a bogus website claiming to be Fox News, do you? Maybe it's just me, I dunno. Anyway, it's absurd, so I thought I'd share. The moral of the story is, not only is the news "fake", the commercials are too! See you tomorrow!

Starting Over

So, "no promises of Arabian nights, no white waves on an ocean, no gems from a golden age", or so the old song by ICEHOUSE goes (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o9BCQP0cns) Anyway, I'm thinking of restarting the old blog via good ole' GOOGLE. Perhaps the absurdity remains. We shall see. Stay tuned

!